So lonely

I scared I might get depression. I miss my home. I know I am 18 but still I don’t know why I still feel like I need my family to be with me all the time. I just don’t know why. Well, being 18 doesn’t mean anything. I am still a young human. Only 18 years of age. What do you expect from me. Being 18 is responsible for oneself action, but this doesn’t mean I don’t need my family anymore. I just hope things will turn out to be fine.

What does independent means? If it means the ability to take care of oneself, then I am independent. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be homesick. I always know that family is the one that will be true to you. They will always love you and care about you. Sadly some human doesn’t know that.

I feel homesick is because my family always give me a lot of loves. Suddenly I came to this place and I can’t be with them makes me very hard to ‘breath’. They always give me oxygen. The only way to gasp for air is to phone my family or send some messages to them. That’s why I need to change my phone’s service provider to digi. The rate is much much cheaper. So I can get some oxygen easily and feel less pain.

Coincidently, I am listening to Michael Jackson’s “You Are Not Alone”. Maybe God wants to tell me that. I know I am not alone.

Besides, I still haven’t find any real friends over here. Finding a real friend is not easy. The criteria of a real friends is able to tune in the same frequency. But I hope there is someone that meets my criteria out there. That’s why I keep on thinking about my secondary school life. They truly are my best friends.

Classes are going to start soon, so I hope I can try to concentrate on studies and not think about this matter. But no matter how hard I try, when I come to my room, I will feel the same all over again. Loneliness! I seldom go out of this room. Why? Not going to explain…

And again coincidently, this song is playing-为你而活 (I live for you). Hope I translate it correctly. What is God telling. I live for who? I live for myself?

Next song-I Will Always Love You. I will always love my family and friends!

This post will be very long because I am very emotional.

Back to depression. I heard that the symptom of depression is - cry suddenly

- feel very down

Well, I cried and I am very down. But don’t worry, during the induction, the counsellor said this is normal.

I just have to get through it. But can I. Am I capable of doing that?

I remember everything everyone told me (well not everything I suppose), but I remember when I was small, I wanted to go out all the time, so someone told me to be more “qi ga” [粘家] (in Cantonese of course). So now I think I “qi ga too much” le. I am being very childish.

Beside emotional, I am very free. Nothing to do, so this post will be very long. I thought I am a very friendly person and I am, but making new friends all over again. This takes times.

And the education system here is very different from my secondary school one. This is based on the British system. Need time to adapt.

Another problem is having lunch and dinner. Food here is way too expensive for me! So I rather eat biscuits. Is biscuit a kind of junk food. Eating junk food for my dinner. Is it healthy? Of course not! But I really very lazy to go and buy food at the cafe although it is not far from here. But I really don’t like eating here. I think I prefer to go out to eat. Maybe another reason is lack of friends. No one to go and eat with. But mostly is me who reject to go out to eat with them. Saving money here! No no, is dieting!

Song playing-“I am who I am!” Haha. Nothing can change me! Biscuit is my life starting from now! Thanks to my cousin who inspire me to drink Milo and biscuit for dinner. My cousin more terrifying, he only drinks Milo for dinner.

Don’t know what’s wrong with my player, keep one playing emo songs! Now playing- I Live My Life For You

Classes going to start tomorrow.

Wish Me Luck and All The Best!

12-07-09 10:55p.m.